Side effects. Seriously, I'm a hot mess.
I write this from my bathtub. My place of sanctuary and serenity. The only place I feel relaxed these days. Where I can collect my thoughts, forget my worries and just be me. Alone. All the pressures of the world, the need to be strong, fight through it and smile, take a back seat. Momentarily.
My body is no longer mine. No longer mine to do what I please with, to nourish or exercise how I want, or to take care of how I see fit. It's now a poisonous battlefield with tanks, mortars and landmines going off. Duck and cover!
In some ways, the "hard" stuff (Adriamycin & Cytoxan) was almost easier. Sure I had no energy and could barely stand some days, but that was predictable and fairly easy to manage. I just stayed in bed for almost 4 days, every other week. It did slightly drain the life out of me, and showed, but I was able to push through most days. Wrecked intestines? Fiery throat? Swollen gums? Bone pain? Night sweats? Decreased appetite? Most of it, completely manageable. My remedy plan included: Zofran, stool softener, natural vegetable laxative, Claritin (oddly for bone pain), queasy drops, peppermint tea, lots and lots of liquids, Biotene mouthwash and toothpaste, baking soda, salt and water mouth rinse every 2-3 hours. Done. It became routine. I learned quickly what to expect and had resources to help me manage the side effects. Plus, it was every two weeks so I felt like I had time to recoup before getting hit again.
Now, it' a crap shot. I have no idea how to manage my side effects. One of my biggest problems is the steroid I get on infusion days. Dexamethosone. My body hates it, or it hates me. Either way, it does some wicked stuff to me. Luckily, they have been able to drop the dosage for me from 20 mgs to 5 mgs, which has helped tremendously, but as the Taxol accumulates in my system, the more I'm having reactions to it that I'm unable to remedy. Itchy/burning/cracked eyes, severe bone pain/body aches/flu-like symptoms, rashes and constant nose bleeds. It's truly a mystery to me how your nasal passage can be so dry causing nose bleeds, but yet your nose still runs like a leaky faucet. I have, embarrassingly, left nasal drippings in many places these days. There's just no stopping it, especially when I bend over.
Let's see, what else is there:
Hair. The only hair left on my body is my arm hair, eyebrows and eyelashes which, don't get me wrong, I'm super thrilled about! I told them, "take the hair, not the eyelashes!" Even though I can't do anything with them since my eyelids feel like they're going to fall off most of the time. I might have one or two nose hairs left, but my head hair is starting to grow back. Soon, I might have to rock the semi-bald look full time. Stubble is not really conducive to scarf wearing, and it's getting too hot for hats.
My nails are wrecked. Cracked, brittle and disgusting.
Neuropathy. I haven't experienced it, at least not yet, and I hope I don't. I like having feeling in my fingers and toes and being able to button my pants, tie my shoes, and type this wonderful blog post. I'd like to keep it that way.
Night sweats. I think I'm finally done soaking the sheets. They're definitely not anywhere near as bad as they used to be when I was on AC. I mostly get them the days following chemo, like my body's trying to rid itself of the poisonous sludge.
Hot flashes. Batten down the hatches! They come with a vengeance, and boy, does this chicks head sweat.
Babies. Wouldn't even be an option for over a year when I'm done with the hormone therapy and that's if I don't go through menopause which, I pray every day doesn't happen. Living without kids I can deal with, but going through menopause at 31 is not anything I want to experience. I was told menopause can be temporary, just while going through chemo, or permanent. Really depends on age, egg supply, and how much damage is done to your eggs. I was sent to a fertility clinic a few weeks before chemo to consult about having my eggs frozen. It was too much emotionally and financially for me. I had just been tossed into a tornado and spit out the other side. Two weeks of giving myself IVF drugs was not something I was prepared to do for something that was not a guarantee. So, we will see what happens.
I can't think of any other glaring side effects to mention at this time. All-in-all, I guess I'm doing okay. At MSTI, they say I'm atypical and just sailing through. I'll take it, even though it still feels like there's a war raging inside my body.
