The Nitty Gritty: Part I

I had high hopes for my blog and the intent to write a post after every round of chemo, but obviously, that's not going as planned. I've only had this post started for, oh...a few weeks now.

I'm just...TIRED. After every round of Adriamycin & Cytoxan (AC), I was busy getting through the side effects for about four days, just in time to go back to work the following week and then do it all over again the week after that. I had no energy for anything. I could barely walk down the stairs without feeling light-headed or like my legs were going to give out. Now, chemo is weekly and I feel really, really busy, which is tiring. My life went from a screeching halt to 50 mph. All because I have energy now, or at least more of it then I did. AC and Taxol are like night and day. I can go places and see people. I went to the kid's choir concert on Saturday, which I wouldn't have done on AC (by the way, super cute! They were awesome). I actually want to get up on the weekends and do things. Clean my house, go shopping, visit Dan and the kids, but it all might be a little too much, too soon. I might have to pump the brakes a little. I still have side effects, I still get tired quickly and small tasks still take a bit longer for me to.

Through this whole process, I get a lot of questions about how chemo feels, how I feel, what side effects I'm experiencing, what it's like, how long does it take, etc. So, here's the nitty gritty, as I call it. Part I, anyway.

My average visit at MSTI on infusion days for AC took five hours. Now it takes about four. My first Taxol/Herceptin day took six hours though. Infusion was slower to make sure I didn't have any initial side effects, but all was good so we go full speed now. Chemo days go as follows: wait...wait...port accessed, blood drawn, wait...wait...wait. Meet with my oncologist, Dr. Arteta, who talks to me about how things have been going, side effects, and let's me know if my blood counts are good enough to do chemo that day. Wait...wait...wait...wait. Go back to the chemo suite, pick a chair or bed, wait. Get assigned a nurse. Wait. Get IV. Wait. Get meds. Wait. Then finally, chemo, for two hours. Did I mention waiting??

Chemo infusions don't feel like anything. It's really the easy part. You're just hanging out. One of the worst parts of my day at MSTI, having my port accessed and flushed. I've given up on the lidocaine to numb my port before my visits. It's just messy and let's be honest, I keep forgetting to do it. The needle insertion really isn't that bad though. You take a deep breathe in on the count of 3 and it's done, so I don't bother with numbing it anymore. Although, my very first infusion was the day after I got my port in. Talk about unpleasant! Made my eyes water, and then mom cried. I guess moms still don't like to see their babies in pain even at 31. Having my port flushed is just plain awful. The smell/taste hits you like a ton of bricks. It's a weird, metallic-y taste. Makes you gag and lingers for awhile. Just writing this made me cringe. I have the pleasure of getting that done three times during each of my visits.

The second worst part, stressing about my blood test results. I get so nervous, and sweaty, waiting to meet with Dr. Arteta and wondering what he's going to tell me. Two weeks ago, he nonchalantly told me my hemoglobin was low, 9.8 - normal for females is 12, but I wouldn't need a blood transfusion unless it drops below 7. Uh, what?!? Nobody mentioned blood transfusions. What's next? Thank goodness my echocardiogram was good though! I was super nervous. I will be having routine echos because of the Herceptin drug I'm receiving. Herceptin can damage the heart, the risk ranges from about 5% to 30%, which I've been told is a less common side effect, especially since I'm young, but it's still worrisome. Being young didn't stop cancer so at this point I can't rule anything out. Just more stuff to stress over.

       Side note: I don't think I mentioned breast cancer hormone receptors. When you have a biopsy and a lumpectomy, your cells are tested for hormone receptors: estrogen, progesterone, and HER2neu. Hormone receptors are proteins found in breast cells that pick up hormone signals telling the cells to grow. If you test positive for one of them, it helps determine whether the cancer is likely to respond to hormonal therapy or other treatments. Hormone therapy medications can lower the amount of the hormone in your body or block the hormone supporting the growth of cancer cells. If cells are positive for hormone receptors, then certain medications could help to slow or even stop their growth. I tested positive for HER2neu, which is why I am taking the anti-body drug Herceptin. If cancer cells are hormone receptor negative, then hormone therapy is unlikely to work. Being negative for all three is called 'triple negative' and pretty scary. Women who are triple negative don't have the option of hormone therapy, only chemo and radiation.

Although my situtation has lots of positives, stage I being the biggest and the fact that my 'insurance policy' plan has a curable rate of over 95%, every little thing I'm doing to my body, chemo, hormone therapy meds, radiation, MRI's, have their own percentage of variable outcomes and side effects, some long-term. One of them, I'm sure you can guess, is CANCER. So, although I feel extremely lucky and blessed, it doesn't negate the fact that it's all still pretty scary shit some days. Everyone tells me how strong I am and how beautiful my spirit is and to keep similing. For the most part, I'm okay. I get up, go to work, live my life, and smile...a lot, but some days behind all that strength, are really crappy days. I cry. I stress. I worry, but I keep fighting. I fight not only for myself, but for those that no longer can. For those that didn't get the chance like I do.